Sweet Darkness
Earlier today, I was thinking about apocalyptic moments. My life is teeming with those instances of surreal hyper-awareness. Visual stimuli, audio input, self-inflicted emotional strain, and the rhythmic oscillations of sinusoidal energy waves often overwhelm me. I've said before that my life is a perpetual existential crisis. Though a bit of an exaggeration, it's quite true.
Each day I feel as if I'm tumbling into the abyss, one calculated step at a time. Attempting to manipulate the unknown, fitfully at best, is all part of the plan. Oftentimes that mastery of mystery involves playing it safe, thus limiting opportunities for growth. I'm admittedly guilty of diverting down this path a bit too often. Though the past few years have shoved me tumultuously from my comfort zone on many occasions, though I've been completely transformed as a person, I've barely set foot into the elusive territory of self-actualization. I like to believe I'm heading in the right direction.
Recently, I've been thinking about that inexplicable, yet all too common scenario in which you willingly walk away from something that you actually want. It's perplexing and perturbing. However unsettling the moment is, the dust will inevitably settle and reveal some inherent truth. One of those truths is that the challenging and hard-to-understand periods in our lives do, in fact, serve some greater purpose. Cataclysmic calamities offer incredible profundity. Progress often stems from frustration. The painful past is intricately linked to the hope-filled future by the present moment.
Before we can find the answer – before we can even know the question – we must be immersed in disappointment.
-Jonah Lehrer, Imagine: How Creativity Works
I have a morbid imagination, and I've had a lifelong fascination with death and darkness. My dream job for most of my childhood was to examine the remains of decomposed and mutilated bodies as a forensic anthropologist (back before CSI). Before reaching middle school, I was deeply intrigued by stories of serial killers, such as Jeffrey Dahmer. (My parents were understandably worried.) I began my college career on course to become a neurological researcher and I've seen the Body Worlds exhibit three times so far. The body, mind, soul, existence, and post-existence are my favorite little medley of thought.
I've never feared death, but rather I've been enamored by the incomprehensible phenomenon, and the unanswerable question: What happens when we die? That falling off from one life into the next, that blissful transcendence. Death is the ultimate phantasmagorical exploration. I adore that contemplation and the unknowing.
“Death is the road to awe.”
- Darren Aronofsky, The Fountain
how to win a guy
m>The most difficult pieces to write - for myself, and I'm assuming most – are those drenched with personal angst and despair. Yet, delving into the darkness brings about the same sense of aliveness as more positive and upbeat compositions. In my NaNoWriMo novel last year, I was outrageously cruel to my protagonist. Why is that? I'm honestly not sure, but when you're writing a 50,000 word novel in 30 days, an emotionally loaded story helps propel it forward quite effortlessly. I've just begun the dreadful editing process and am ripping my hair out at what that poor girl is going through. I love that feeling. I love when something I see, hear, or read can affect me so deeply; instances of emotional pain, darkness, and feelings of uncertainly – experienced firsthand or artistically conveyed – nearly always elicit that.
Sometimes it takes darkness and the sweet
confinement of your aloneness
to learn
anything or anyone
that does not bring you alive
is too small for you.
-David Whyte, Sweet Darkness
Perhaps we turn away from beautiful perfection because it doesn't stretch far enough in both directions. Could it be that – despite our aversion to negativity - tapping into thoughts of death and darkness actually benefit and build us? Might solitude and sadness help us to realize what we truly need to be happy, and push us to feverishly dig up that overwhelming joy?
This past weekend, I met up with some local women who also attended World Domination Summit at a quaint and eclectic coffee shop. We had a wonderful conversation, which grabbed the attention of a nearby women. She was an entrepreneurial and radiant spiritual guru – exactly the type of person I strive to one day be, the type of person I'd love to have as my best friend. Words of wisdom and understanding flowed from her lips as the rest of us smiled, in awe. One of the young woman's lessons was that you have to stretch out from your center – both towards the alluring light and the terrifying darkness – in order to attain wisdom. It was an instantly recognizable truth, a known insight that I'd never succinctly articulated.
People are often disturbed by my propensity towards talk of death, disease, darkness, and uncertainty. However, darkness is simply the opposite side of light; you're just as likely to land on tails and heads. It is an uncomfortable topic, but talking about that which scares you helps to scratch away some of the inherent fear. Sometimes, exploring the positive end of the spectrum can be difficult, as well. It's imperative that we expand our horizons in every direction possible, as life is about fullness, and that complex schema entails both pleasures and pain.
Simply existing can be exhausting. But you're alive, so why not live fully and openly explore all aspects of life, including that terrifying and tabooed end/beginning called death?
Heaven or heavenless, we're all headed for the same sweet darkness.
-Rocky Votolato, Makers
Is anyone else fascinated by death? I'm curious. I feel like I might be alone on this one…
Explore the darkness; carry your light.
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I think everybody is fascinated by death, no matter how much they try not to be. Great post – I was hooked from “Earlier today, I was thinking about apocalyptic moments.”
I am not fascinated by death, but I am afraid of it. Good for your for exploring the issue instead of running away from it. I love this line: you have to stretch out from your center – both towards the alluring light and the terrifying darkness – in order to attain wisdom.
Beautiful post.
I have to admit I prefer the light, sunny side of our existence, although maybe that is from fear of confronting the side of me which is too easily turned to despair. Very thoughtful and honest post.
The darkness of life is what produces those moments of sudden glory that eclipse, even if just for a moment, our flawed existence and to me those moments do “stretch far enough in each direction.” The darkness of death to me is only dark for those left behind because the lack of the body response is the darkest of the dark for the living. I think the dead transport in light to that next journey. Death does not scare me. It is almost an anxious awaiting that I cannot wait to experience. Not because my life is bad, it’s not, I just think this is the dress rehearsal for the real dance…life after death. I remove corneas for transplant by organ donors and being with the body is peaceful to me….my family too worries about that. You have a beautiful way of transforming a thout into a picture. This was a deeply provacative post with so many themes to ponder. You are talented….go with it and find peace even in the midst of the angst, you find yourself more deeply if both world collide.
Too many people dwell in the pretend world of eternal sunshine, living an image of a life, rather than life itself. To truly live, you must begin to be aware of things that are uncomfortable. You can’t explain them away with sunny sayings. Ponder your reactions and this will tell you a lot about your true self.
I find myself focusing on things I can influence. Since I know I’m going to die, I try to make the most of the time I have. I have ideas abut what will happen after that, but not enough clarity to dwell there. I do like to envision how I will die, though. Wish I could control that and make it heroic…after I live a full life of course
Heh, you’re not alone in the sweet darkness, your voice echos with others in the sound of silence, and together, we stand smiling in the abyss. As a mixture of both my ethnicity and religion, I’ve grown a fascination with Death, and also have grown a sense of respect for it, but ultimately, I have no fear of it, only that I might regret something if Death finds me, and it’s that fear of regret that inspires me to be in a state of mind that allows me to welcome Death at any moment, because I’ve lived life in the way I wanted to.
the truth is. the only reason we can perceive light is because we have the concept of darkness. every shimmer is defined by the darkness around it.
It sure is very dark in here…fabulously written, great article. But there is always some light, somewhere, yes?
it is a symptom of collective capacity to delude ourselves that people DON’T want to talk about death, usually. we like to pretend that death is far far away even as people are dying all around us, all the time, and logically we never know when it’s gonna be our turn, none of us are prophets who can see the future. death awaits us all and we should think about it and talk about it more often because death is the only thing that gives us true perspective on life. and what you believe will happen after death has tremendous consequences on how you’ll live your life. your existential problem will become a full-blown existential nightmare if you don’t believe in life after death, and that goes for everybody, my whole life I’ve seen this to be true. why else do people show interest in religion and spirituality? people seek the truth, seek God, as much for the sake of learning how to die properly as to live properly. when we die, the book is closed, and Judgment Day begins.
p.s. if I didn’t believe that upon death, there will be an unveiling of unseen realities and an accounting of my deeds, I would fully succumb to my ‘dark, morbid’ side. as things are, I keep the darkness in check, because I believe that the cost of giving in to nihilism and egoistical madness is too high; namely, I don’t want to be damned, I want to be forgiven. I don’t want to face God’s wrath, I want to gain His Pleasure.
Really captivating post here. I can’t say I have the same propensity towards “the dark side” as you do, but my daughter does … as a matter of fact, I felt like I was reading something she wrote. Rather than be concerned, I was more or less intrigued by her depth. I find that those who are willing to delve into this area are usually highly “spiritual” individuals. They’re thirst to understand death and leap past their fear is, in my opinion, a strength. Jump forward a few years and you’ll be happy to know that despite her quest for knowledge in this area, she is quite a quite balance and mature individual. LOL!