This is just want I always wanted…but maybe it’s not what I truly want. Have you ever experienced that? You find exactly what you’ve always hoped for, your on-paper ideal, and then realized that maybe thinking you know what you want doesn’t mean a thing?
I’ve spent the past several weeks exploring the same insidious thoughts, inside and out, and from every possible angle. Most of my posts are written in under an hour; this one has been written, deleted, edited, and rewritten about twenty times. Two months ago, I wrote about how I’d met someone who I really connected with and how blissfully exciting that was. One month later, I changed my mind.
I recently read an article in Real Simple magazine about a married woman with children who looks back on her life and realizes that over the course of the last ten years, she’s let go of her dreams and identity. The things that once made her feel alive have faded from her day-to-day life. The woman who one prided herself on being independent and adventurous had disappeared. That thought terrifies me beyond words.
I tend to be guarded and slow to warm up. The castle of my consciousness only has one entrance open to the public, and most don’t have the patience or tenacity to ever discover it. Those who meet me, and are interested in getting to know me better are often intrigued by my sincerity, intelligence, and drive to realize my full potential; yet the dichotomy of the situation is this: that is the exact same reason things never work out. A few months ago, I read a post by Erik at Susserative Aspirations about his junior high crush, Emma, which hit me like a ton of bricks. He fell not for the young girl’s beauty, but for her brilliance and her power to exist without someone at her side.
“The male hegemony is built on containing the will and love of women. It’s built upon not risking the wings by which a woman will grow, the independence she will undertake should we let her become her most intelligent, powerful and intuitive self. We do this with any creature we don’t understand and wish not to lose. And because we want to protect them from the world, and we do not want to lose them to the savagery of so many concrete hearts, we become it ourselves. By choosing hard edges over soft…because ultimately, we don’t want to be alone. So we near subconciously drive that which we love into submission or worse, never let it flourish in the first place. Sometimes we are more forceful about it, and sometimes, we subjugate our own wishes simply because we fear the flighty ways of an independent heart choosing us only temporarily.”
I’ve been called independent and flighty on multiple occasions, and I can’t deny it. When I told my family and friends I was dating someone, I got a handful of “Congratulations,” but the more common responses were “What?! You? No way!” or “I’m happy for you…we were starting to worry.” Yeah…
I should probably pay more attention to other people’s responses, rather than fighting to justify how a new situation is different from the past. Perhaps I need to truly examine what it is I absolutely need and refuse to settle for less, refuse to settle at all.
I need freedom. I need flexibility. In all honesty, there are days where I want to lock myself in a room and write from dusk until dawn, and then continue on through the next day. There are weeks where I’ll turn off my phone, shut off my social media accounts, and fall off the radar. I take unplanned day trips, spend my money on books and classes, and pour my heart out to strangers as I seek out that high obtained from human connections. It seems that what I need is neither normal, nor acceptable.
I read another great post recently by Rue at Hooray Rue, aptly titled The dating profile I wish I could post and not seem completely insane. The fact that asking for a bit of independence and authenticity in a relationship can come across as “insane” and improbable is a bit disheartening. I want someone who is normal, but extraordinary. Is that too much to ask for?
“I am independent and I do not need to have my hand held 24/7 (both literally and figuratively)… I want to have adventures around the world with you… My job is really important to me and takes up A LOT of my time, so I can’t see you all the time either…If you put your height as 5’8, can you actually be 5’8 (and not just on tip toes). Preferably with your own hair… It is perfectly acceptable for you to have your own interests away from me and for you to hang out with your friends, in fact, I encourage it. Please don’t create drama; I just can’t cope with it… I’m actually pretty funny during normal conversations. I don’t really care if I look stupid in front of other people. After all this, I swear I’m really very normal, and that’s all I want you to be too. Normal, but extraordinary.”
At this point in my life, I need to invest time into myself, into figuring out what’s next. Career, school, and hobbies are higher on my priority totem pole than trying to understand someone else; or perhaps I simply don’t have the patience or willingness to mold my life’s plan around someone who may just be passing through.
One of my closest friends has been with her boyfriend for four years and I really admire their relationship; however, their plans for the future diverge. I don’t know how I would manage that uncertainty; yet, that is precisely what every relationship is built on – trust, hope, and an agreement to set aside the anxiety of the unknown and focus on the positives and the yet unrecognized potential. It’s not an easy feat.
I’m admittedly a bit controlling. Not of others nor of situations, but rather of my own personal situation. I actively manage and work on a dozen small projects and ideas, I read incessantly, I take classes on obscure topics, I talk to strangers at the park. The chaos is intricately micromanaged, never to be understood by anyone outside myself. The equilibrium is carefully maintained so long as I’m in control. Figure out my system and you’ve got yourself a golden ticket; make an effort to discern the entanglement that is my life, and I will forcefully push you away. I realize I’m walking the fine line between sounding pretentious and ashamed; I assure you it’s the latter.
At World Domination Summit, I talked to everyone and befriended several successful middle-aged women. “Are you attached?” After taking a moment to translate the Southern term into normal English and shaking my head “No,” one of the women innocently commented, “There are several handsome young men here.” I nodded gently and fell behind. That is not what I’m here for. Over the course of the weekend, in three different conversations, it was noted that most successful male bloggers are married, whereas most successful women bloggers are “unattached”. I can’t help but wonder why that is, or whether that can be extrapolated to the real world. Were those two days spent surrounded by free thinking feminists? Or does the concept of having to choose between family and career still permeate our culture? I don’t have an answer, but it’s something to ponder.
For me, that pondering has transpired into an entire series of thoughts. I realized this weekend that there are others, like myself, who are not too keen on giving up their own dreams to start a life with someone else. That was encouraging; however, it led me to wonder whether some people simply are not meant to settle down.
I feel a connection to people on the level of humanity; I always have. If a friend is emotionally anguished, I hurt; if a stranger is smiling, I’m able to internalize their joy. I value intimate one-on-one conversations and feel that they serve as a bridging of the collective undercurrents of emotion. An intensely felt knowing fluxes below the surface, on a level that perhaps Carl Jung or Joseph Campbell could better explain. I’m not sure how I feel about the theory of collective consciousness; but I believe that there is some fine thread that ties everything together, and I feel that connection everywhere I go, and with everyone I meet, though the strength of those bonds is variable.
I don’t think I could ever single out an individual and direct all of my love towards them; I don’t think I could care more for one exceptional individual than I do for the rest of humanity. Isn’t that one of the primary demands of an intimate romantic relationship? I could never bring myself to sever those ties which bind me to the lakes of emotional energy that lurk beneath the surface of our day-to-day experiences and the clouds of thought which linger overhead. Connecting singularly seems absurd to me, and it feels completely wrong. I’m not by any means suggesting that it is inherently wrong, rather that I place the same value on relationships with my family, friends, significant others, and strangers across the globe. Everyone deserves to be loved. Who am I to withhold that?
I’m at a place in my life where the thought of being tied down on any level sounds atrocious. Throughout my life, I’ve generally not deviated too far from that place. Am I afraid of commitment, selfish and unwilling to compromise, or knowingly passing up great opportunities? No contrived answer is ever going to answer that question. A more accurate explanation would depict the ongoing conversation I actively choose to carry on with myself. What are you passionate about? Where do your skills and talents lie? What are your dreams and goals? Once all those questions have been answered, or at least deeply explored, then comes the question in question: How can another person fit into that framework? How can you stay true to yourself, while yielding in ways that will allow you to grow both as an individual and as an intricate half of a partnership?
I’ve never been particularly interested in settling down, though it’s admittedly hard to unwind my personal dreams from the ideals which society has been presenting me with incessantly for the past twenty-three years. Maybe I’ll one day reach a point at which I can confidently say what it is I need, in terms of a relationship, or perhaps that day won’t ever arrive. Either way, life will continue on. As we’re told time and time again, it really makes no difference what other people think. Why is such a simple and obvious idea such a challenge to internalize and hold on to? In this moment, I want to find a job I love, learn new skills, publish a book, pursue a PhD, have a positive impact on the world, and build up my net worth. Maybe tomorrow or ten years from now, a romantic relationship will be a priority. Right now, it’s not.
I’ve reached a place of full acceptance, at a unshakable level. I used to feel bitter, misunderstood, and upset with everyone. I’ve realized as of late, we often don’t have to go too far to uncover the love and appreciation we so desperately seek. I’m kind, intelligent, interesting, and not too hard on the eyes. Am I not exactly what most people claim to be looking for? Am I not worth a little extra effort and compromise? Taking a step back from the situation, I’ve come to realize that the problem is not some out-to-get-me world or individuals who aren’t willing to take time to get to know me. The issue is me. I am so engulfed in trying to figure myself out that letting anyone else into my tiny work space is irritating. Trying to live up to others’ expectations will only lead to disappointment, on both ends. It takes a bit of courage to step out of line and go your own way; but realize that is always an option.
Wouldn’t it be nice if we were to start providing birds with a comfortable perches, food, affection, and the freedom to come and go as they please? Then fervently pray each day that they’ll return home to us, eager to share stories of the day’s adventures? Inhibiting someone from experiencing life on their own terms may work in some situations, but is not necessarily conductive to a healthy relationship. At least not for me, in the current moment.
Life is full of confounding variables and very few obvious answers. Oftentimes the best path toward understanding what’s right for you is to sit back and reflect on your own experiences and dissect your beliefs. In doing so, you are empowering yourself to not only survive, but thrive; you’re building yourself a launchpad from which to take flight in the direction of your truest self.
I truly admire your honesty and genuineness, intelligence no doubt, Erin. Since the first day I dropped by your Blog, I have some connection there–you sound like a young “me”. Well, life is full of choices and there is much to be explored. When a decision is made, look upon it as a decision made with the best information available. It might not be perfect, but it’s made with the best information available AT THE TIME.after deliberation. I am stressing that because there is no need to look back with regrets, like the woman you describe at the beginning of your post. Every decision brings about experiences that can enrich one’s life one way or the other–like relationship, motherhood, etc. for that woman. There is a time in life for everything. Nobody can put us in a cage; we put the cage around ourselves. (By the way, I really like the photo of this post.)
Thank you for your kind words, Opalla. I’ve found it interesting – the vast majority of readers here are older than me and can relate to what I’m going through, I love that because you all offer such beautiful advice and encouragement…yet, I’m still working to figure out what you get out of it. Maybe that connection, being understood, that recognition of something of yourself within me.
That’s some great advice. I’ve always been indecisive, but I’ve making more effort to just choose what feels right and just assure myself that at the time it *felt* right and seemed to be best. You’re absolutely right – we cage ourselves, and we always have the option to walk away from an uncomfortable or stressful situation. I really liked the picture too, and it was the perfect fit.
Amen to Opalla.
Thank you Gene Bodzin, fellow Canadian!
If WordPress were smart they would Freshly Press this. You are amazing and this is probably the most beautiful, sincere, and thought-provoking post I have ever read by you.
Thank you.
I don’t think it’s front page material, but I figured it might be something that this little community could appreciate. It was admittedly one of the most difficult things I’ve ever written/shared and it doesn’t feel complete yet, but it was dying to be let out. I suppose it was a form self-therapy, tinged with the hope that someone else might be able to relate to or benefit from it.
I admire greatly the manner in which you express yourself. A joy to read. Sheer pleasure to follow.
What a great, thoughtful, honest post. I think most of us feel conflicted in the way that you describe. And we all have to figure out what we are willing to give in order to receive in a partnership. My heart was struggling with the same things yours is when I was 23. Now I am 40 and have been married for five years. And I am overly protective of my independence and individuality to this day and probably always will be. Don’t worry too much, just keep thinking and writing and exploring your thoughts and feelings and you will figure out what is most important as time goes on. Thank you for a beautiful post.
I think the reason I feel comfortable expressing my innermost thoughts is because so many people come forth saying that they can relate. Making yourself vulnerable can be terrifying, but I’ve found so much support in this small community. It’s so reassuring to know that others can understand what I’m going through and aren’t critical. I’m sure I’ll always be protective of an independence and individuality, as well, but I’m sure there are people out there who could respect that. Thank you – you’re absolutely right. Writing (and connecting with others via blogging) has done so much to help me understand my thoughts and feelings, and I feel like staying on this path is certainly sending me in the right direction.
As I was reading your post a Sylvia Plath poem came to mind:
If you dissect a bird
To diagram the tongue
You’ll cut the chord
Articulating song.
If you flay a beast
To marvel at the mane
You’ll wreck the rest
From which the fur began.
If you pluck out the heart
To find what makes it move,
You’ll halt the clock
That syncopates our love.
What could be more true of young people trying to find themselves in our ever changing world? To dissect, to flay, to pluck only prevents this animal (bird), that even you write of, from being beautifully free.
You’re absolutely right – by picking apart things that aren’t meant to be understood, you’re ripping away all the beauty and mystery. Even ideas that stem from emotions beg to be analyzed, and it can be difficult to just roll with the flow of life.
Do you have any suggestions on how to stop dissecting and start achieving that beautiful freedom? Either way, I love the quote and it found it to be quite thought-provoking, and true. Thanks!
Allow me to first start out by saying it was really refreshing to read this post. A year ago or even 6 months ago I would have processed what you wrote under the mindset of the man described by Erik. Please don’t take this offensively, but most men (at least the ones that come to mind in my neck of the woods) find it horrifying that a woman would not want to settle down, have kids, and stay at home. While I think that this life style is good (it might serve to populate the world haha), it doesn’t sound like it’s for you, which is also good (in my opinion it’s even better).
When you ask, “Do you have any suggestions on how to stop dissecting and start achieving that beautiful freedom”, I think you’re asking, “How do I not get tied down and remain beautifully free”—maybe? The way I’m personally answering this question is by not being afraid of being single. I think fear drives us to become entangled.
Out of all my married friends, my favorite relationships are always the ones that have low expectations and leave room for the other person to be cageless. Those couples are always better together than they would be apart. They want to be with each other and they don’t need to be with each other.
Does this answer your response?
I’m not at all offended, and I’ve actually encountered repeatedly. I’ve never been too interested in dating, but my few attempts have ended with the guy hurt that I don’t express enough interest. Most men have a hard time being with someone who doesn’t depend on them and whose world does not revolve around them. I’m the most loyal person I know, but I need outside friends, hobbies, outings, and solitude to feel complete and fulfilled…most people can’t seem to understand that. Maybe one day starting a family will feel right, but I doubt I’ll ever be able to slow down and stop exploring the world; I’m sure I’ll eventually meet someone who appreciate that.
To be honest, I’m not sure exactly what I was asking; however the Sylvia Plath quote was completely relevant, and you’ve got some great perspective on the topic. I agree entirely with your final statement, and it’s the perfect answer. I actually had that same conversation with the guy mentioned in this post – we had that type of mutually beneficial and low-expectation relationship, but towards the end he struggled a bit with the letting go and trusting that I wanted him just in my life just as much as every other friend and hobby.
Thanks for your response.
I love your honesty. I think most bloggers are quite introspective, and will be able to relate to your thought patterns. We want to enjoy the journey without getting too wrapped up in conventions…which is a continual balancing act. The fact that we can do this together is encouraging.
Hi…i truly enjoy reading your post because i can relate to it…i think many of us have the same experience but could not put it into beautiful writing like yours. thank you !!
Thank you – it was challenging to articulate, but I was hoping others might be able to relate and not feel so alone. I think it may be more common than we realize, but no one really talks about it.
I’m a male, but I can relate to the questions about attachment, career opportunities and other questions that remain open for exploration out of college. I’m thirty now, and it probably took a good part of my 20′s to realize that while I enjoy work, I’m not career driven and am open to a variety of workplace and life experiences. My fiancee is, perhaps, more career oriented, and I’m ok with that.
Thanks for a great reflection.
Thanks for sharing your perspective. It’s a bit jarring going from a life of expectations and guidance to situations where you’re free to do what you want, while being inundated by unspoken rules. I think it does take time to understand what you want out of life, and what drives you. It’s reassuring to hear that it’s normal to not have everything figured out at my age. Thanks!