the subjective perspective of an analytical optimist

ANALYFE IS DEAD

Analyfe is dead.

The universe has been telling me this for awhile, beginning with a whisper and culminating at a roar.

My site has been hacked twice in the past few months, my perfectly-suited theme broke, and my web developer is not willing to fix it. But, more than anything, I’ve outgrown this project.

As I began writing “I’ve outgrown my original vision,” I realized that I have never had a mission here. I simply showed up, began writing, and fell in love with the platform and the people. I learned the power of creative expression and I discovered my voice.

The phrases “analyze life” and “the subjective perspective of an analytical optimist” no longer suit me. I’ve moved from a science-minded explorer to a heart-led achiever. Perhaps “The diary of a highly sensitive INFJ” would be a more appropriate tagline.

As I approach my twenty-fifth year, I can’t help but think I’m destined for something bigger than this eloquent spewing of emotions and these flailing attempts at self-discovery.

How many of you remember this header?

How many of you remember this header?

In many respects this site is my “baby” and I’ve invested an inordinate amount of time into its growth, well-being, appearance, and social life. However, I think the life span of a blog is more similar to a dog than a human being. My creation is no longer a toddler. We are no longer co-dependent and symbiotically entwined.

I am not the same person I was three years ago when I set out to start a blog; though, looking back on my very first post, I think I had a clearer concept of my purpose than I realized at the time.

“…a lot of blogs are similar in format and even topic, but the difference lies in the writer’s experiences and their ability to relate to the reader. What I have to say is different from what you have to say. Our experiences vary, and our ambitions in life may lie on opposite ends of the spectrum; however we are all a part of the same human experience – we all want to be happy, to be appreciated, to be loved, and to experience the feeling of success….Chances are you have had experiences that I’ll never encounter and I’ve been blessed (or cursed) with circumstances that you may never understand without a glimpse into my world. Writing benefits everyone. The writer can get a heavy issue off their chest, share their life views and opinions, and even develop a deeper and more complete self-concept. The entries may serve as an inspiration to others, and more importantly spark discussion and new thoughts among one’s followers.”

In ancient times, back before Chrome and Spotify.

The site has been my life’s project for the past 1,111 days and I have been putting its growth before my own. Initially this blog served as my vehicle to success, an opportunity to explore my ideas and share my thoughts without fear of judgement. Two months into blogging, I was featured on the WordPress homepage, then again, and a third time. I peaked at over 3,500 subscribers 18 months in, before moving over to a self-hosted site. I received the validation and support I needed to keep going. However, I no longer need someone else to tell me that I’m on the right path, that I am both passionate and skilled.

I have milked this thing long past its last drop. I’m not serving anyone by showing up–not even myself. Other deeply inspired projects have been put on hold because I feel obligated to continually post and respond. It’s familiar and comfortable, and an easy excuse. Yet, my lack of clarity has lead to my feeling limited, shackled, stuck.

I love writing and I love sharing my wisdom and insights. I promise you that will not stop anytime soon. Before you grab your torches and pitchforks, let me repeat: I will not fall off the face of the Earth.

I will not stop writing. 

I need to find clarity, define my vision, and shift my efforts toward more long-term projects. My dream is to generate a sustainable income through writing and to also positively impact a larger audience than I do currently. I built this small home years ago and I’ve hit the glass ceiling, but I have been too stubborn and uncertain to move on. Until now.

I need to clear space for that “something, bigger and better” that I sense is just over the horizon.

After 643 posts and thousands of comments, I’m still not quite sure who you are…who is reading and thinking and benefiting. I don’t know why you showed up, or why you continue to return. I don’t understand why so many of you stuck around through my emotional breakdowns and post-graduation struggles. I don’t understand how so many of you could claim to have feel so deeply connected to me through mere words, or why you take the time to personally reach out to me. But I am grateful.

I consider you some of my best friends, even those of you who I’ve never have the pleasure of getting to know. I have trusted you with my heart and my emotions, confident that you will use them only for good. I need you to realize that your support has been instrumental to my personal growth. Your opening up to me has renewed my hope in humanity. And I hope that my showing up–fully open and fully understanding–has done the same for you.

I have always loved the analogy of the Phoenix, crashing from its fiery flight and then rising again from the charcoaled ashes. Intentional destruction for the sake of wondrous new creation. I like to believe that burning this beautiful bird will allow for the regeneration of a creature with plumage more vivid than in dreams.

I am not abandoning you. Just this project. Because, contrary to my mindset up until now, analyfe is just a project. Not an identity, not a responsibility, and not permanent.

I leave you with my heartfelt thanks and an invitation to stay in touch. Please stay in touch. 

I’ve created a mailing list to keep you up-to-date. Don’t worry, I won’t flood your inbox. I’ll aim to send an update once per month, and perhaps twice if I’m truly excited about something. Click here to keep receiving eloquence, wisdom, and adventure in your inbox!

Right now, I feel both heartbroken and liberated. An hour ago, I cheerfully told the barista I would be working on creative writing today instead of my normal copywriting assignments. Any minute now, he’s going to come over to ask me whether I’m crying. When I start explaining, I think my signature smile will return. Because I will realize, in that moment, that when you show up consistently, offer all that you can, and share your story, strangers become close friends and you realize that people care far more than we often give them credit for. People are inherently good. I’m not sure whether I truly believed that before you showed up here, so thank you once more, simply for being you. 

Analyfe is dead.

But my journey is just beginning.

Sign up here to follow my story.

Every culmination signifies and new beginning and warrants celebration.  Photo Credit: https://www.facebook.com/SydneyAngelPhotography

Every culmination signifies a new beginning and warrants a wonderful celebration.
Photo Credit: https://www.facebook.com/SydneyAngelPhotography

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